Royal Oak, MI – Detroit Zoo patrons of all ages showed up today for the joyous reopening of the Detroit Zoo after budget cuts forced a nearly two month closure. Some animals had to be relocated and several exhibits over went an overhaul to make them more cost effective.
“This is a wonderful day for our community,” said Zoo Director Dave Rogerson standing in front of one the new exhibits. “We are one of the first zoos in the country to have an entire exhibit devoted specifically to squirrels.”
The new exhibit entitled “Backyard Buddies” is a grassy area filled with over 100 squirrels and patrons are encouraged to feed the squirrels “whatever they would like” as noted on one of the exhibit signs.
Jessica Saunders, a six year old from Livonia, really loved the exhibit. “They came right to me and ate from my hands. One even took some popcorn from my hand.”
Jessica’s eight year old brother Ricky was not as impressed. “One of them bit my finger and stole my hot dog. He was big and had a foamy mouth,” he said fighting back tears.
The “Backyard Buddies” exhibit extends beyond the squirrel exhibit and also includes a special display for sparrows and seagulls. The popular butterfly house was revamped and is now called the mosquito hut.
Some of the newer exhibits received a mixed reaction.
“They replaced the gorillas with a homeless guy eating a banana,” said Dave Stockton, 48 of Westland. “He swore at my wife and threw a shoe at us. I’m never coming back here.”
Some people protested outside the zoo office when they found out the Zebra exhibit had been closed and replaced with a hot dog stand selling a “striped dog.”
“I can absolutely guarantee that is not Zebra meat,” an official who refused to be named said.
The Detroit Zoo has been in a financial crisis ever since State and Federal funding was cut by nearly 25 percent. The Zoo has been seeking private donations from individuals and sponsors for exhibits.
Newly sponsored exhibits include the McDonalds “Pet Your Food” petting zoo and the Kellogg’s “Tony the Tiger Exhibit” where all tigers were replaced with comical Tony the Tiger cardboard cut outs.
“I know it is hard not having some of the popular animals and displays around but I think we are offering new and exciting exhibits that the public will love just as much,” Rogerson said.
Detroit Zoo Reopens After Budget Crisis
Salvation Army to Reconsider Prison Yard Kettle Placements After Attack
Leavenworth, KS – A volunteer bell ringer for the Salvation Army was severely beaten with his own bell yesterday while monitoring a Salvation Army kettle in the prison yard of the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary.
Davis Sanders, a 48 year-old resident of Leavenworth, is recovering from his wounds at nearby Saint John Hospital. He has been a volunteer with the Salvation Army for four years.
“I just can’t believe this happened, especially this time of year.” said Sanders with disbelief. “I had only been in the yard for five minutes when I was attacked from behind and the rest was just a blur.”
Matthew Walker, a regional coordinator for the charity, shared in Sanders disbelief; “I am still in shock. To think that such a terrible thing could happen so close to home really makes you wonder. If we’re not safe in a prison yard, where are we safe?”
This is the first year that the Salvation Army has attempted to collect donations at the prison explained Walker. “Due to the economic climate we were looking for new and innovative ways to raise money for the poor and those that need it most.”
A prison guard who wished to remain anonymous had this to say about the incident. “This is the stupidest (expletive) thing I have ever seen. These guys are murderers and gangbangers. You’re going to have someone guarding a pot full of cash ringing a (expletive) bell. He’s lucky they didn’t shove the bell up his (expletive) til’ he choked.”
Prison officials are investigating the incident but so far witnesses have not been cooperative.
An inmate at the prison that goes by the name Dirt Devil had this to say about the incident, “One second I hear dingaling, the next I hear screamy scream. If you ask me I think he did it to himself.”
Sanders, who suffered a bruised chin and mild concussion, is expected to make a full recovery.
While no cash was taken from the kettle it is believed that three cigarettes and at least one shank were stolen in the incident.
Anyone with information regarding the beating is asked to call prison officials.
Detroit Lions Defensive Tackle Fined for Post Game Hug
Allen Park, MI –Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has been fined $20,000 by the NFL for a hug he delivered to his mother, Bernadette.
The hug occurred after the Detroit Lions 24-20 loss to the Chicago Bears on Sunday. The league called the hug “an unnecessary, non-football act.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell had this to say about the fine. “It is very important that we protect the player’s families, especially their mother’s from blindside hugs especially those that occur after the game is over.”
Detroit Lions Coach Jim Schwartz disagreed with the fine, “Replays clearly showed that the hug was in the middle to upper back and not around the head and neck area.”
Suh had this to add, “I’m not going to stop hugging my mom just because the NFL has a problem with it. I owe it to my family, friends and teammates to continue to love my mom.”
This is the third time that Suh has been fined by the NFL in this his rookie season. He was fined $10,000 in the pre-season for an “aggressive handshake” and $15,000 for a “hard fist bump.”
Suh plans to appeal the fine.
Five Simple Ways to Keep the Pounds off this Holiday Season
With the holidays fast approaching, we all know how hard it to keep from packing on the extra pounds this time of year. But with a few simple lifestyle changes you can keep fit, happy and healthy all throughout the year. So if you don’t want to wake up Christmas morning looking like Santa Claus, than check out our five very simple ways to keep the extra pounds off this holiday season.
1. Skip the dessert, drink water instead. It’s that simple and easy. While everyone is enjoying their apple pie, gingerbread and Christmas cookies you can sip on a refreshing glass of water. Try slipping a lemon or lime wedge into the water and everyone will be jealous of your unique dessert.
2. Run a holiday marathon. It’s important to exercise year round but we tend to lose track with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. All you have to do is train extensively for six months, wake up early on Christmas morning (maybe you will see a reindeer or two) and run 26.2 miles. If running is not your thing, try cycling 90 miles.
3. Buy an at home liposuction kit. There’s no better way to get rid of holiday fat than to suck it out of your body in the comfort of your own home. While not yet approved for use in the United States these at home kits can easily be obtained on the black market or through medical device manufacturers based in the Ukraine.
4. Build a robotic clone of yourself to attend holiday gatherings while you hold up in a secret lair. Being around friends and family can be quite joyous for many people but very stressful for others. Being in stressful situations can lead many people to overeat as a coping mechanism. Building an exact, robotic replica of you to attend holiday functions could be simple and lots and lots of fun. You can enjoy the holidays holed up in an abandoned mineshaft while your robotic counterpart absorbs all the stress and calories that family functions may bring.
5. Back over yourself with your car. If there’s one place to hide from all those tempting calories it’s the intensive care unit of your local hospital. Imagine all the pounds you will shed while fighting for your life, not to mention all of the wonderful exercises you will learn while trying to regain basic motor function during rehabilitation. We recommend using a mid size sedan or station wagon to assure catastrophic damage while avoiding certain death.
Apple Jacks Cereal Looks to Close Gap in Potty Training Market
Battle Creek, MI - If Apple Jacks cereal manufacturer Kellogg’s has its way, soon more children will find themselves urinating on their product.
For well over half a century parents have been turning to General Mills’ Cheerios as target practice for their potty training toddlers, but that could be coming to an end if Kellogg’s Marketing Director Susan Thornton has her way.
“Kellogg’s is very excited about the opportunities that the potty training market provides for Apple Jacks. As a parent of twin boys I can honestly tell you that my children prefer to urinate on Apple Jacks over any other product,” Thornton said.
“We tried Cheerios for two months but my boys were just not interested. Then one day we ran out and replaced them with Apple Jacks and it was a miracle! Both boys were potty trained in less than an hour. Not only were they more colorful, but they stayed intact much longer.”
Kellogg’s has invested nearly two million dollar into an innovative advertising campaign designed to get more parents and toddlers interested in Apple Jacks as target practice for potty training. Their new slogan; “Applejacks, great in either bowl!” will debut in an upcoming commercial featuring a dancing cereal and toilet bowl. The redesigned cover of the cereal box will show an apple and cinnamon stick fused together in a bowl with a twirling stream of milk and urine pouring from above.
How are parents reacting to the campaign so far? Shirley Watkins, mother of four, is not convinced it’s a good idea. “We used Cheerios with our boys growing up because they tasted like crap. Why would anyone want to pee on Apple Jacks? If we have Apple Jacks in the house we’re going to eat them.”
Steve Wilson, Marketing Director for General Mills, is not worried about the competition. “Children have grown up peeing on our cereal and that is something we are very proud of here at General Mills. I peed on them, my son peed on them and hopefully some day, his sons will pee on them.”
Wilson went on to say, “If Kellogg’s thinks they are breaking into the potty training market, their pissing in the wind. Cheerios is the far superior product with its bland flavor and appearance.”
If Kellogg’s is going to win this battle of the bowl, than they have a long road ahead of them. In a recent study done by Parent’s Magazine, Cheerios was by far the choice of potty training youngsters with seventy-eight percent of the market. Honey Nut Cheerios was second with six percent. When asked, sixty-two percent of children ages 3-6 did not even recognize Cheerios as a product for human consumption.
It is estimated that six tons of Cheerios are flushed each year.
Michigan’s Upper Peninsula wrapped and given to Wisconsin
Lansing, MI – Was it a thoughtful holiday gesture, or a strategic economic move? That is what Wisconsin residents are asking themselves this morning after waking up to an unexpected Christmas gift.
Thousands of residents crossing the state line from Wisconsin into the Upper Peninsula were seen getting out of their cars and unwrapping the state.
“I knew what it was right way,” said Goodman, Wisconsin resident Mary Grove. “It was shaped just like a peninsula, they didn’t try to hide it in a box or nothing.”
An estimated 17,000 miles of wax wrapping paper with images of Santa Claus riding on various objects including candy canes and gingerbread houses blanketed the Peninsula.
“This is going to take forty years to unwrap!” said one surprised resident.
Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm confirmed the gift in a written statement. The statement read in part:
“It was very hard to part with a peninsula that has been with us since 1837. As you know, the great state of Michigan has been in a near depression for the past decade and this was a decision we did not take lightly. I want the wonderful residents of the Upper Peninsula to know that this was an economic decision that had to be made. I know that they will find Wisconsin a wonderful and caring state.”
The statement went on to explain that this “gift” had been considered for months in closed door sessions of government officials. “We felt that Christmas time presented an excellent opportunity to bestow a generous gift upon our neighboring state.”
Residents of the Lower Peninsula seemed to support the decision. “Up there ain’t nothin but a bunch of waterfalls and indian casinos,” said Lansing resident Thomas Degrow. “Besides they hate us calling us trolls cuz we live under the bridge.”
Residents of the Upper Peninsula could not be reached for comment due to power outages and a veil of darkness.
The Upper Peninsula, also known as the U.P. Has long since been considered a tax burden to the rest of the state of Michigan due to its vast area, over 16,000 square miles and lack of a tax base. Despite having over a quarter of the entire state’s land, it has only three percent of the population with the leading export being maple syrup.
Wisconsin residents are leery of the gift, especially Congressmen Tom Dale. “I think Michigan just saw some crap laying around that they didn’t need and decided to tie a bow on it and give it to us. I don’t like it at all. And where did they get all the wrapping paper? That must have cost at least forty million dollars.”
Wisconsin Governor-elect Scott Walker will not comment publicly on the issue but sources close to the situation say that all options are on the table including “regifting” the Peninsula to another state likely Minnesota or a smaller state like Rhode Island. There are also rumors of putting it up for sale on Craigslist.
As far as the Mackinaw Bridge which divides the upper and lower peninsulas of Michigan, it has been put up for auction on Ebay with a starting bid of ninety-nine cents.
